Category: Life, as it is in any case! ;)

I’ll give you a hint…

IT's ME (Well, THAT'S Terry Crews being awesome, but you get the idea)

IT’s ME (Well, THAT’S Terry Crews being awesome, but you get the idea)

I can’t remember when my last post was, but it’s been a WHILE, and I’m sorry about that. I promise I’m going to do my best to be better about this whole blogging thing, especially now that I have stuff to blog about!

Now, where to begin…


Well, I can remember telling you all about the band I was helping to start.

Well, it’s a full on thing now. We are The Gentlemen Of Leisure Collective (because apparently, when we chose the name “Gentlemen of Leisure” we learned that there were a few bands out there that had already used the name. So, we added “Collective” to differentiate us from them…it’s not completely worked yet, as we occasionally get mistaken for a wedding band who went by that name…but…you know, we just roll with it).


I mean check that out!! We put out and album and everything!

We’re playing shows, and even put out our very first full length album last October.


The Gentlemen of Leisure Collective are: (left to right) Skylar Jones on Keys, Chris Blount the emcee/rapper, Pope James on Drums, Brendan Hardy (not pictured) on Drums (yeah, that’s right. TWO DRUMMERS), Sphinx Akashaa Duncan (that’s me!) on Vocals and Guitar, and Jen Hasson on Vocals and Cello! 

You can listen to it on iTunes, Spotify, and everywhere else you can buy or listen to digital music.

It’s really good stuff and we’re all very proud of it! Honestly you should check it out whenever you have a chance!

Let’s see, what else has happened?

I co-host a podcast now, which is fun. It’s called Profoundly Ignorant! It’s Run by myself, Chris Blount, and Breezi Rumsey.


The hosts of Profoundly Ignorant: (Left to right) Breezi Rumsey, Chris Blount, and look, there’s ME again!

Our podcast is, mostly, social commentary with a bunch of pop-culture and geekery sprinkled in there. It’s fun, it’s hilarious, and you can find us on iTunes, Soundcloud, and Stitcher.

You should check us out and like, subscribe, and share with your friends. You know, if you’re into awesome stuff!

And speaking of awesome stuff…

I’m also hosting my very own podcast. A bi-weekly Live-Play D&D podcast called Agents of the Circle which I made another post about, here!

Agents of The Circle Logo

Look mom! A Logo!!

We’re only two episodes in, with episode 3 releasing on Thursday. I’ll be writing more about those on this blog as well. (Hopefully with pictures of the cast and MAYBE drawings of the Characters – if you like what you hear and would like to make fan art as well, YES PLEASE!!)

“Okay, that was fun. What else is happening with you?”

Since you asked

So, I will tell you, internet!!

Well, last December we sold our house and bought another one, in a pretty nice neighborhood in Lakewood, Washington. So that’s where we live now! It’s off a golf course, but we don’t play golf. It is, however, amusing to watch golfers from our back yard.


Oooouuur house…is a VERY VERY VERY FINE HOUSE!!

Also, you remember my little girl, right?

the bug

look at her! Who wouldn’t want to do everything possible to give this kid a happy life?

Well, this is her now:


Look at this cutie! Still my favorite person ever!

Yup, just finished the second grade and going over to the third grade. She actually helps me with my D&D podcast now (you can actually hear her on the 2nd and 3rd episodes a little). Yes, she has a LOT of hair – she takes after me and her mommy that way!


Yup! We’re still here! Looking awesome and being Geeky!

We still have our dogs, Rufus and Alice.


Alice and Rufus, still puppies here!

Though we nearly lost Rufus to a very scary accident where he decided to run after a pair of geese in our new backyard, and slipped and fell.

You know how our moms used to say “You keep running around like that and you’ll fall and break your neck”? No one ever told me that it could apply to dogs as well.

When Rufus fell down, he fell on his neck and herniated a disk.

I’ll tell you now, watching my dog go into shock and paralysis is one of the scariest things that have ever happened to me. I don’t recommend it.

listen to Shaq

if you won’t listen to me…listen to Shaq!

Long story short, he had to have surgery to have the disc removed (also a spot of cancer that we didn’t know was there until the surgery, but that’s an entirely different thing) and was able to come home a week later. One week later he took his first steps on his own again and now…almost three months later, he’s nearly fully recovered, albeit with an odd gait to his walk.

Hells, people. I’m just thankful that my little buddy is still around.


Me and my little guy…I guess the air must taste like…something?



And there’s Alice! Older, wiser (well, wiser than her Brother, anyway) But still cute!

That’s really all that’s been going on, really. I mean, outside of all of the crazy political insanity that all of us have had to deal with now on a day to day basis, this is it. I’m happy to still be here and have my family and friends to support me and this crazy life I’m leading.

crazy pills

Me too, man. Me too!

I’ll be around, hopefully posting more often, especially with stuff for my new podcast. maybe a poem here or there, updates on the band and shows and things, and also maybe some essays about stuff happening in the world; cuz, yeah, we’re all interconnected, whether we want to believe that or not.


Yes, Maurice. Just…yeah.

Just be good to one another, please. All we have in this life, is each other.

See you all soon!

kid pres

Words to live by. Kid President knows what’s up!


So, something happened no long ago that I’ve been sitting on, until today.

I’m seriously about to burst with the excitement of it all, I feel like Sandal from the Dragon Age games and I kind of want to run around the house yelling “ENCHANTMENT!!”

So, I recently came upon a really cool website called Nerd Like You. It’s what you might expect: a site written for nerds by nerds, like many others out there on the web. Except…

This one really hit me though. The level of enthusiasm, the writing styles of the many writers, and even the name of the site itself, struck a chord with me. I read as many articles from the site as my brain could handle (that’s a LOT, in case you’re wondering) and I fell in love with the site and its staff of amazing writers.

So I did what any self-respecting nerdy blogger would do.

I wrote to the editor and inquired about writing for the site.

Here’s where it gets awesome.

As it turns out, Susie McBeth, the editor for Nerd like You, had also come across my blog (Yup you read that right, THIS one!) and was hoping to invite me to write for them as well!

I frelling leapt at it!!

Seriously, My brain is still happy-dancing, which makes it hard to focus on writing, one could imagine.

Well, all of that to say, my first article for Nerd Like You posted this morning and I’m super proud of it! Check it out if you like and also, seriously, check out the other AMAZING writers for the site.

Now don’t worry, I’m not going anywhere, I’ll still be brining you guys some amazing awesomeness here. I haven’t abandoned you. I LOVE you guys!


Anyway, I hope you enjoy your day and I’m going to go and do some more of the happy dancing stuff from before.



(okay, I couldn’t help myself that time)


So, after hearing about and refusing to play any of the Pokemon games or its multiple (and I mean 我的天阿, there are SO MANY of them!!) clones, rip-offs, and crazy-pants alternate versions of it, I slowly began hearing of a new new game franchise being added to the mix.

Now, I watched Pokemon, and Yu-Gi-Oh!, and Digimon when I was younger. I even tried watching Card Captors or whatever it was called (someone help me out with that one), but couldn’t really get into any of them. Pokemon was fun and hilarious at times, but the only characters that resonated with me were the actual Pokemon themselves, and there seemed to be few episodes dedicated to them.

Though, I do vaguely remember one episode where the pokemon were the central characters but they still spoke poke-speak (Is there another name for that language where they all just say their names in odd-damn-ball ways? There has to be, right?)

What is he saying?? Is it Pika-nese, Pikachian, Pika, Pokenese, Pokemonian? WHAT ARE THEY SAYING???

What is he saying?? Is it Pika-nese, Pikachian, Pika, Pokenese, Pokemonian? WHAT ARE THEY SAYING???

Anyway, when the video games came out for game boy and all of its iterations, I didn’t really hold much interest in it. It sounded like so much work; running around, capturing these (mostly) cute little creatures and forcing them to fight for you to prove that you’re the best trainer alive. For some reason it just didn’t appeal to me.

Then came Skylanders Giants. Now, I admit, I was super skeptical of this game at first. It seemed like it was a knock-off of all the other “collect creatures and make them fight for you” games, so i wrote it off. Then I started hearing about it on two fronts:

My dear friend, Jesse, who has a nephew who is just silly over the game; and My sister-in-law, J.J., who has a son…also pretty silly over the game and has been doing his best to convince me to get the game myself. Well as of my birthday: Mission Accomplished, Aiden.

Mission Accomplished.

So, for all of you who haven’t heard of this game before (because you don’t have kids or live in a cupboard under the stairs) let me explain what makes this game so brilliant.

Hey, I get it. It's hard to get your gaming information when THIS is where you live. Sorry, Harry!

Hey, I get it. It’s hard to get your gaming information when THIS is where you live. Sorry, Harry!

So, when you buy the game with the starter pack it includes the game itself (available on MULTIPLE platforms, but we’ll get to why that’s awesome in a sec, be patient), but it also comes with a PORTAL OF POWER (just imagine that being said by the booming voice of James Earl Jones…oh yeah…):

This looks pretty cool. It glows even!!

This looks pretty cool. It glows even!!

What the hell is that thing for? Oh, I’m getting to that. Wait for it! You also get three figures. Which Figures you get all depend on what platform you buy it for, mostly. You plug in the portal to your console, power that bad boy up and then start the game.

Now I won’t get too much into the story, but suffice it to say you are fighting an evil Palpatine wannabe named Kaos who seems to want to take over the world and laugh like a crazy person. Normal villian-type stuff, sure. Enter the Skylanders, the heroes of this world. It is your job as “Portal Master” to make sure that the Skylanders are able to enter the world and defend it.

How do I do that? I thought you’d ask that! Here’s where the figures I mentioned come in. When you place any of the figures on the PORTAL OF POWER (and yes, I am going to keep doing that) that figure then materializes in the most insane, chezy, catch-phrasey way within the game itself.

Each figure has its own abilities and attacks based on the elemental family it belongs to. There are eight elements altogether: Earth, Air, Fire, Magic, Water, Life, Tech and Undead and while you might think that each elemental family might have a gripe with the others, there doesn’t appear to be anything like that in the game.

You also have two different kinds of Skylanders; you have the original type as featured in the prequel game, Skylanders: Spyro’s Adventure (yeah, remember him, PS One fans? well….he’s back!), and you have Giants. The Giants are each the leaders of their respective element types and have been kind of missing for a while (though, how one could miss them I’ll never understand, they’re pretty distinctive…and huge!). The Giants are able to move through obstacles the other Skylanders can’t and access areas that are not within reach of the others.

Plus they look really bad-ass!

So bad-ass! Also...I don't think that there's any amount of "Clear Eyes" that can help him...

So bad-ass! Also…I don’t think that there’s any amount of “Clear Eyes” that can help him…

The gameplay is pretty cool too. You unlock more attacks to upgrade your skylander as you go, making them more powerful and pretty much more badd-ass. One of the cooler things about this is that, rather than saving all of your progress to the console itself you save your character’s progress to the figure itself thanks to NCF (near field communication) technology.

What does this mean, you ask?

Well it means that you can take your own figures, with all of their saved data, to the homes of anyone who happens to have the game and their own PORTAL OF POWER (told ya) and play with your character there. There is also a battle mode of the game that allows you to play, head to head, with someone who has their own saved skylander.

Here’s one of the more genius things about this game, though; and I dare say that this is what has helped the success of this franchise: Toys.

I mean, sure, the game is colorful and fun to play; it’s like a lighter version of Diablo marketed to young children.

And, yes, Patrick Warburton does a hilarious job in voice acting as one of the supporting characters in the game (spoiler, no spoilers!!).

oh alright, but this is the ONLY spoiler you get!

oh alright, but this is the ONLY spoiler you get!

The awesome and genius thing about this (and parents might roll their eyes at this) is the figures. Any new content, be it playable characters or landscapes, are accessible by purchasing figures and other toys, and believe me when I tell you there are a LOT of them. There is nothing in the way of downloadable content, but lots of toys that kids go bananas over. (I own five of them, myself) I’ve stood shoulder to, er, waist with several young gamers, all clawing and begging for new Skylanders toys. (seriously, it’s quite the site. I don’t think I had ever been so afraid for my life…or my non-existant cotton candy…kids still eat that, right?). What’s more awesome is that there are so many of these toys that there will always be more characters and content to add to the game.

Is Skylanders Giants the uber addictive gateway game for kids and adults that everyone makes it out to be?


Will kids be talking about this for the next few years?


Now, if you’ll excuse me, Eye-Brawl and I have our eye on some baddies in need of pummeling!

(Yeah…that was a terrible joke…remind me never to do that again…in this post…)


Good morn or evening, friends…

So I have a confession to make to you. Something that I’ve had to confess to myself recently.

I am afraid.

Scratch that.

I’m frelling Terrified.

So very afraid...

So very afraid…

Fear has been ruling my life in some way for a very long time. Likely since before I realized, during my college years, that I had been living with Depression (which, I’m sure, has played its own part in all of this). I have, very recently, decided that this can no longer be a factor in my life. I will not live in fear. I refuse it. I reject it!

“But Sphinx, you seem like you have it together. What could you possibly be afraid of?”

Well, curious reader, a number of things. Many of these fears have been present ever since I was a wee one. (yeah, I just said “wee one” like I’m Scottish. My last name is Duncan. I’m allowed. )

Lets go down the list of them and then break down why these fears can no longer be a valid thing for me:

1. I’ve been afraid, for the longest time, of failure. That if I try, in any way, to pursue my dreams that I will fail; and not just fail, but fail in a way that is absolutely devastating and impossible to recover from. This fear has, honestly, kept me from accomplishing entirely too many of the things I have dreamed of doing. My Music and My Writing, namely.

There is an underlying fear there that is the cause of this.

2. I’m afraid that, deep down, I am a Charlatan and that someone will find out and point at me and laugh, and that all of the universe will laugh with them and I’ll want to crawl into a hole somewhere and cry myself to death.


Seriously, who wants this guy showing up at your door?

– note: I don’t know that one can actually cry one’s self to death, it’s unreasonable, I know, but try telling that to the nagging voice in my head that points and laughs at me on occasion.

I know that this is a stupid fear. I know that I am talented. I know that I have worked hard to cultivate and improve upon that talent. I know, I know that I am what I have always believed myself to be. I also know that if I don’t pursue my dreams and try to create the kind of life I dream of that I will die inside and be unfulfilled for the rest of my days.

No one wants that. I would become a bitter, horrible person.

Or a Congressman. [Shudders]

Yet this stupid voice in my head tells me that I’m not good enough, and because that fear is using my voice to project itself, it’s very hard not to pay attention. I know. I get it.

And I seriously need to kick that voice in the balls and get over it.

Here’s a fun one:

3. I am afraid that I have, or will, at some point become undesirable to my wife.

This one is stupid. I know this, but it also stems from an old and long standing issue I’ve had with my self-image.

It’s crappy. I have a crap self image and I always have.

I’m sure it stems from all of the crap I had to deal with from some of my peers growing up. (Mainly the girls – Hell’s Bells that was a shit time) I’m the kind of person who takes things to heart, especially back then when I felt like no one really liked me in that way. (oh the stories I could tell you on that subject…[sigh])

It’s so strange, the things that stick with you and carve an impression onto your psyche.

I look at my incredibly gorgeous wife and I have to ask myself: “How the hell did I luck out and get her?” Seriously, I’ve asked that. I often wonder what miracle I performed in a past life that I land someone as Gorgeous as she is. There are times when I still feel like she is so out of my league and that one day she will realize that and run for the hills. Or Taye Diggs. Damn that Taye Diggs and his boyish charm and captivating smile!

You stay away from her, you beautiful man, you! You can't have her!

You stay away from her, you beautiful man, you! You can’t have her!

I tell her about these things and she gives me her best “for a genius, you really can be an idiot” look. She assures me that, while she finds Taye Diggs to be an attractive man (DAMN YOU TAYE!!), I am sexier by far. And she makes me smile and blush and all of that and I feel assured that I have married myself an amazing woman.

But I still don’t feel any more attractive. Not to myself, I don’t.

Stupid voice in my head.

Stupid years of that voice being fed by myself and other people.

I am working on changing that, and kicking that voice off of real estate that can be used to be more awesome!

One day soon, I will feel less like a freak and more like an attractive human being.

Don't look at me. I'm not sexy enough...

Don’t look at me. I’m not sexy enough…

4. I’m deeply afraid of failing as a father.

This is a huge deal for me. I’ve never been a dad before (unless you count the co-raising of my little sister and she turned out alright, I think) and I’m terrified that I will so or say something, especially during her formative years that I can’t change and that will scar her for life.

More than that, I never want to have the kind of relationship that my father and I had before I moved out. I felt like I was being antagonized and attacked on so many levels. I felt like nothing I could ever do would make him proud of me or even accept me as I was. I felt like I was being pushed away so hard that it eventually led me to moving out before the situation could escalate the way I was always afraid it would.

I’m glad that things eventually got better and that my father and I are on great terms now, but those memories, especially one in particular, are burned into me.

I never want to make my daughter feel like that.

I would rather die a hundred thousand deaths than have her ever feel the way I felt.

This was something I had vowed to never do ever since then. She will never go through that. Ever.

But the fear still remains.

look at her! Who wouldn't want to do everything possible to give this kid a happy life?

look at her! Who wouldn’t want to do everything possible to give this kid a happy life?

5. the last fear that I will divulge is the fear of being insignificant.

Let’s face it: as much as I might say that my writing and my music is more for me than anyone else, I want to be heard, I want my writing to be read. I want to be validated as an artist and a writer.

Hell, I want to feel validated as a person! I want fans, I want followers, I people to see me on the street and say “Wait, you’re that guy! You’re awesome.”

You know…or something to that effect.

In the end, I know that what I am doing is and will be seen by people. I know that I am not insignificant in the grand scheme of things.

But there is also that part of my brain that notices all of the less than stellar art and music and literature out there and how amazingly popular they all are. How can I compete with that? What hope is there for me when the likes of Nikki Minaj [shudder] and Justin Beiber [wretch] are idolized.

There is a simple answer to this. One that I am recently coming to after careful consideration:

I am not in competition with them. I am not in competition with any of them.

As James Brown would say: “I’m just gonna get up and do MY thang!”

James sure knew how to do his thang. Yeah...he did it well too!

James sure knew how to do his thang. Yeah…he did it well too!

I guess the point with this one is that, while maybe Rock Star status might not be for me, I’d settle for recognition if only at the level of cult following (yeah, I get that even reaching for that is a bit of a much, but I’m allowed, right?). I want to feel like I matter in the world, like I make an impact somehow with my writing and my music. Of course the first step in that is simple: I need to DO IT MORE!

The more I write/perform/record, the more content there is for people to find. I would really like to be found…and liked. That, I think, would be nice.

I just hope that it’s not asking for too much.

These are just some of the fears that have been controlling my life from the backstage of my mind. They are all valid in their own right, but at the same time they are fears that are conquerable.

They are fears that exist only in my mind, and I refuse to be ruled by them anymore.

Why am I sharing this with you? You wonder.

Well, a couple of reasons come to mind: Firstly, because it’s good to get them out. Talking about them, getting these thoughts and fears out in the open, also gives me the opportunity to plan ways to conquer them. Gives me a space to reflect on them and remember why they need to be conquered.

Secondly, because I like you guys. This blog is about me sharing things. I can assume that you all deal with fear on some level yourselves. It’s nice to have that solidarity, even if it’s silent. It’s good to know that one is not alone when dealing with things they fear.

You’re not alone either.

And now, because I find it appropriate on a nerd blog to include it, the Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear from Frank Herbert’s Dune:

I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.

Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.

This will be my new mantra.

Thanks for listening, friends.

Catch you next time.

So, happy Easter, or Ostare, or whatever rite of Spring-renewal-ness you all are celebrating at the moment. I know, I know: It’s been way too long since my last posting and “where the hell have you gone?” and “where’s the latest on the D&D adventure you’re running, are you still even doing that?”


1. I Haven’t gone anywhere, not really. I just have been really lazy and not motivated to post at all. I realize that this means that no one gets to read the stuff I think up and want to talk about and I’m sorry about that, I truly am. Sometimes life just gets in the way…or I get in the way…or Skyrim…yeah, we’ll blame Skyrim.

Sorry buddy. We still have great times together and someone's gotta take the fall for this. We'll always have Solstheim!!

Sorry buddy. We still have great times together and someone’s gotta take the fall for this. We’ll always have Solstheim!!


2. I know, I know!! Yes I am still running that campaign, and yes it’s been a while since I’ve posted anything of note. See above reasoning for that. Don’t worry, though, I haven’t been completely slacking off. I have prepared a comprehensive synopsis of what’s happened since the last time you heard from your heroes. In fact, after tonight’s session, I plan to add to it and post it, finally. There. Happy now?

Seriously though, I do miss you all and I want to get myself back to a pace where I am writing regularly again and with life as it has been the last month or two and then going forward, I should have plenty to write about, be it in my own life or just commenting on something ridiculous I happened to see or read or hear somewhere.

Which brings me to this post in particular.

My Birthday is in a week and a day.

Just look at this suave looking motherfraker right here! Give this man some cake!!

Just look at this suave looking motherfraker right here! Give this man some cake!!

[waits for the screaming applause…still waiting…]

I’ve been fortunate enough to have been able to cling to this beautiful insanity of a planet for the last 32 solar revolutions.

Here’s the part where I get all Ray Lamontagne on you, and get into how I “never learned to count my blessings. I choose instead to dwell on my disasters.” True to my usual form of birthday-time introspection self deprecation blah blah blah, yakety smackety.

Except, I’m not going to do that.

Not this time.

No! None of that! you hear me? you cut that out right now, Mister!!

No! None of that! you hear me? you cut that out right now, Mister!!

I admit that there has been some rather crap moments throughout the year, I have to say that there have been some crazy moments that I happen to be pretty frelling proud of. So I think I’d like to talk about those.

1. I’m still frelling ALIVE!!

– Yes, that is totally a thing and if you don’t believe me, just ask anyone who is dead. Go on…I’ll wait.

Seriously though, getting to remain on this planet, with my wife and little girl (she’s 3 now. Can you frelling believe that? I know! I’m still having a crazy time wrapping my head around it.) is a huge blessing. If you are a believer in a spiritual path or not, being alive and having a family that loves you and that you love just as much is something to take a second and just feel amazingly grateful for. So there!

2. I’ve made considerable progress in the writing of my Novel.

– This is a project that I started a little over a decade ago. It has been through so many changes and iterations that I honestly thought I would never ever sit down and finally write out any lengthy amount of it.  Thanks to participating in NaNoWriMo, I’ve finally put some permanence to the world I’ve created and have written enough that I can’t turn back now and change things. I have to see it through and I WILL.

Just keep writing, just keep writing, just keep writing, writing, writing...

Just keep writing, just keep writing, just keep writing, writing, writing…

Even if I still haven’t thought of a title yet…details! Minor details.

3. I’ve become a DM. (Dungeon Master)

– This is a title I never thought I would take on, having been such a fan of the player aspect of Table Top RolePlay, but after playing with a couple of groups and getting my own ideas about what would make for fun experiences for players, it felt like a natural progression. The campaign I’m running is full of intrigue and insanity, and the players in the group are incredibly intelligent and strategic. We are constantly keeping each other on our A game and I’m having an absolute blast with it! And I haven’t killed any of my players…yet! [queue ominous soap opera music]

It's not fancy. it's not crazy. But it's mine, and it has Legos!! D20s and Legos FTW!!!

It’s not fancy. it’s not crazy. But it’s mine, and it has Legos!! D20s and Legos FTW!!!

4. I am expanding my circle of friends.

– This might not seem like a huge deal to some, but I can be a bit of an introvert and if I get myself in with a group and feel comfortable with them, I tend to stick with them for a while and not really let go. With the job change and just the general meeting of new people, this has changed a bit. I’m in a Pathfinder game group with some guys that I work with and I’m having a great time. I still hang with my other friends, they’re not going anywhere as far as I am concerned, but I am having fun and making new friends.

5. I’m in a really fun place, Musically.

– This is a more recent development, as I’ve been in a bit of a dry spell as far as my music goes. Through my best friend Christopher, however I have connected with a great group of musicians, Christopher included, and are calling ourselves the Gentlemen of Leisure. We’re not a musical group as such: think of the Fueled By Ramen or Soulquarian groups. We’re a musical collective of like-minded individuals spanning across varying genres of music that have come together with a purpose: To create the kind of (good) music we want to listen to and to provide help for each other in our separate musical projects.

These are a bunch of Sexy BEASTS!! Especially the one with the hat and cane! I hear he's one hot and awesome nerd-type-person!

These are a bunch of Sexy BEASTS!! Especially the one with the hat and cane! I hear he’s one hot and awesome nerd-type-person! Actually, word on the street is that they ALL are!

We Just recently had a meet up here in Tacoma about two weekends ago, and, in three days, we’ve recorded tracks (unfinished, but great starts) for 5 songs that we’ve written. Two of them written by myself. On top of that, I’m writing a song for a track produced by one of the group members that will (once finished) be the new theme for this blog. (as they share the same title, I figured “why the hell not”).  It will be a nerdcore hip hop song. (tee-hee-hee)

Disclaimer: I am not a rapper. I just rhyme a lot. (see what I did there, huh? Huh? Riiiiiiiight?)

The point of all of this is:

– Yes, I am getting older (I-AM-NOT-OLD, I-AM-NOT-OLD, IAMNOTOLD!!!)

– No I am not where I thought I would be when I was 20. (Globetrotting, living in the lap of luxury, screaming adoring fans and groupies, huge frak-off house, cameras flashing wherever I go, yadda yadda) Here’s the thing though: I’m okay with that. Hell, I’m happier that my life worked out the way it did and not the way impetuous, starry-eyed, 20-year-old me dreamed that it would. I’d be a very different (and way less awesome) person for it. Current, about-to-be-32 (gulp) me would likely want to punch what could have been 32-year-old-rock-star-me dead in my theoretical face…with a chair…

Can you imagine being smacked by this thing...seriously, OW!

Can you imagine being smacked by this thing…seriously, OW!


Or, he could have turned out just as awesome as I have. We’ll never know. What I do know is that I don’t want any other life beyond the one I currently live…well, okay, one or two things can change. I live comfortable in the knowledge that my life, no matter how strange, no matter how geeky, no matter how everyday it might seem; is a pretty good one, and I’m happy to have survived another year, clinging to this ball of rock and atmosphere spinning around a bright yellow star.


Happy Birthday, Kid.


Now, if you’ll excuse me: I’m going to prepare for my game night, and sing the Doom Song!!

Come on! Don't sit there and act as if you didn't know this was coming! It totally was...just sing along already!!

Come on! Don’t sit there and act as if you didn’t know this was coming! It totally was…just sing along already!!


Oh yeah, I can imagine that you notice a change in the background and Icon and whatnot. It’s in celebration of the continuation of this season of Doctor Who on tomorrow! Are you guys ready? I’ve been ready since Christmas!!


So many of you know that I am participating in the absolutely amazing National Novel Writing Month, also known as NaNoWriMo. I’m taking this as an opportunity to write the novel I have been conceptualizing for the last decade and have been too damned chicken-shit to commit to.

The goal: Finish my novel by the midnight of Nov 30th with no less than 50,000. (More than that will be amazing)

The novel is for all intents and purposes my go at writing the first arc of an ongoing urban fantasy series.

The novel itself doesn’t have a title yet, but I am sharing with all of you my opening chapter. I hope you all enjoy it and I appreciate your support.

Without further ado, Prelude in Holy Shit Minor


My chest felt like it was going to explode at any moment now, it burned so much. I kept moving though, kept running. I ran hard under the eerie glow of the twin moons, and the shadow followed – oozing and slithering. My feet, aching and throbbing, beat a rough tattoo into the softened earth beneath me. I could feel the air whistling past me as I rocketed myself between the trees and brush and across the dark forest.

I could hear the low and hungry growl of the shadow-thing dogging my steps, and I knew it was gaining ground on me. More terrified than I should admit to being, I ran harder, gritting my teeth with my effort, grunting as the branches and brush scratched my face. I could feel the soft and warm trickle of blood as it flowed easily from a wound and down to my jawline. I could also hear the low rumble of what sounded like laughter coming from the thing behind me. I fought every instinct to glance behind me at it, far too afraid to look into that darkness and falter, too afraid of what that thing would do to me if I looked back for just a moment.

You will not survive this, Windwalker… Came a dark and hollowed whisper from behind me. The voice reverberated inside of my mind and I shivered involuntarily at its assault upon my psyche. …you will falter, you will suffer, and then…

         My throat dried as I came to the end of the path, a path that led me to the edge of a cliff, I didn’t stop, I couldn’t….not this time…

….ah! You will be MINE!!

I launched myself off of the cliff and began to descend to the forest below. In mid fall, I twisted myself around in time enough to see the shadow-blob-thing stop at the edge and shudder. I smiled and gave the shadow a parting gift.

I presented it with the one fingered salute…

…With both hands.

Yeah, the shadow thing didn’t really appreciate that.

It shuddered, once, and two dark tendrils shot from its, well, whatever you want to call it, and skewered me through both shoulders. A current of unimaginable pain welled up and set my body ablaze pretty much instantly. For a few seconds I was blinded from the pain and all I could see was white,

Then I saw things I didn’t want to.

I saw my mother, my adopted mother, arguing with my adopted father. The only family I had ever known was tearing itself apart. I watched her walk out on my dad and me, never to be seen again.

I saw my ex girlfriend, all fire and fear, staring at me as if I were an abomination, before running out of our apartment and leaving me alone, never to be seen again.

I saw my city, my hometown, ravaged by the great grandmother of a storm. Watched it then tear itself apart with rage and fear while I was helpless to stop it.

Last, I saw myself, alone and in the dark.

My vision cleared and I saw the shadow again, but now it had taken a shape that resembled something human-ish and androgynous. It stood on the edge of the cliff with its hands outstretched to me, it’s index fingers extended into the tendrils that now impaled me by the shoulders. I grit my teeth to the searing pain as I watched a wide fanged grin appear where there hadn’t even been a face before. The shadow-person lifted me up slowly and retracted its finger/tentacles so that I was brought before its face, its putrid breath became my only distraction from the pain in my shoulders.

Honestly, I would have preferred the pain..

The shadow tilted its head at me. You are an intriguing one, young mageling. Strong willed beyond reasoning. Even now, you resist me. You have a great potential for power, yet you struggle and suffer needlessly. I saw its tongue, long and writhing, slide over its fanged teeth and then flick itself in my direction as if to taste me. I have tasted your pain, boy. Your suffering is potent, the wine from which your tears are simply the spilled droplets. I could take this pain from you, feed on it so that you feel it no longer… Its voice began to resemble something sly, something that craved, even desired… I could bind my gifts with your own and we could be so…wonderful together…just…accept me into you and release me from this hell.

          I blinked at the shadow’s words, teeth clenching from the pain in my shoulders. “So you mean to say…” I spoke through my teeth “…that you want to, what, bond with me? You want to engage in a symbiotic relationship because you claim to be compatible with me, is that it?”

The shadow being shivered a bit and its smile grew wider, more eager, more desperate. It leaned in closer to me. If it had a nose we would have been nose to nose. As it was, we were nose to, well, teeth. Yessss! It hissed excitedly. You and I should be one…together…complete… It generally started to remind of of all of the films I had seen involving crazy ex-girlfriends, just freakier.

“You have got to be out of your dark, little mind.” I grunted at it. “Every comic I’ve ever read gives examples of why deals like this are a damned terrible idea. No way!” I spat blood into the things face, where its eyes should have been.

You DARE refuse me….Changeling?? The thing growled at me, unhinging it’s jaws and expanding them, causing its face to appear even more monstrous than before.

“I would rather die, shadow.” I growled at it through my own teeth, still clenched tightly.

Yes…I can see that’s true, changeling. Would that I could, your wish would be verily granted. Alas…this it said with a disappointed hiss in its voice. …I cannot end you here. Know this, boy: I will enter your world, I will find you there, and I will make this offer to you again. You would do well to accept me, changeling. Because I promise you this: dismiss me again, and I will utterly destroy you; body and soul. THAT will be your destiny!

             I took a deep breath and stared the shadow in its blank face, the blood I had spat at it dripped from its, now extended, jaw. “And you, Nightmarish Shadow, can Fuck right OFF!!”  I kicked myself away from it, feeling the sharpened tendrils cut into me again and then leave me as I tumbled backward and into the brush below.  As I fell, I could see the thing shift into a four-legged creature that appeared to have the shape of a headless bear with several writhing tentacles flailing about as it roared in anger and frustration.

I will have you, Windwalker…one way, or the other…

             I tumbled through several tree branches before I was finally able to move my arms enough to grab on to one sturdy enough that it might hold me.

It didn’t.

I landed hard on my shoulder, dirt and grass and flowers smashed into my face. There was the shock of pain and then the world span about me as I lay there, eyes shut tight against it all.  After a few moments, or maybe an eternity, I managed to push myself up onto my hands and knees, despite the throbbing and stabbing protests of my shoulders where the shadow impaled me. Blood dripped onto the soil next to my hands and I pushed myself up so that I sat on my feet. I looked at my shoulders and wasn’t surprised in the slightest by what I saw.

The white robes that I always found myself wearing in this place were stained with blood at the shoulders,  where a gaping hole in the cloth, which was either linen or silk, sat just below each collarbone. I rotated my shoulders a bit and winced a bit at the pain, though it did seem to be fading or even numbing itself away.  I took a long and deep breath and closed my eyes. What in the hell was that thing? What, exactly, did it want to possess me for?

I opened my eyes again and surveyed my surroundings. I was in a clearing…or a glade of some kind that seemed to be obscured from view by an archway made of tall and impossibly old trees. As I looked around further, I found that the trees practically surrounded me. It wasn’t an archway. It was a dome, a gorgeous dome of trees colored in wild greens and purples and blues. It made this place look familiar in a way that I could not grasp, but I knew that I had been here before. When? Why?

It was then that I noticed the pond a few yards from where I knelt. It was a shimmering crystal blue pond, surrounded by orchids, lilies, and windflowers. It made me think of the musical Hair. I didn’t know quite why, but I couldn’t look away from it. I was transfixed with it and couldn’t turn away.

It didn’t help that it started to call my name.

It was more like a whisper, in a voice that was clearly female. I couldn’t explain how I knew that, I just knew that it needed me, it pulled at the core of me and I could not ignore it. I crawled over to it, my heart racing, my breath catching, ignoring the pain coursing through my shoulders and arms. My mind raced in anticipation: her voice was beautiful and promised to belong to someone equally beautiful…

Man, did I need a girlfriend!!

I finally made my way to the edge of the pond and looked down into it.

“Oh, you’re here!” the voice responded happily. “I didn’t think you’d come.”

I blinked.

I blinked again.

Then, to be certain, I looked away from the pond and then looked back again.

A beautiful woman, appearing to be in her mid twenties, was staring back up at me from under the water. She had a beautiful heart shaped face that you just felt compelled to cradle in your palms. Her almond-shaped eyes were a bright and intense shade of green and her mouth was a ruby red bow, full and smiling. I couldn’t help but wonder what it would feel like to be kissed by her.

Her eyes suddenly widened, as if she heard my thought, and she smiled a wide and wondrous smile that lit up her cream colored face. I could feel my face warm and my lips curl into a smile just as wide.

And then I noticed something when I looked at her hair.

It was red, the deep kind of crimson red that you don’t see in natural human hair, but you do see in cartoons, dye jobs, and in blood, and it looked to be shoulder length. That, however wasn’t what I noticed about her, wasn’t what diverted my attention from her absolute beauty.  Well, it was part of it…

The other part was that her hair was on fire. It was underwater, and it was on fire.

I must have looked alarmed, because her expression changed and she said my name again. “Listen to me, love. There isn’t much time! That thing is breaking down the veil between its prison and your reality and will get in. You have to stop it, somehow.” her voice sounded distant, as if carried over the wind from some far off place, but it sent a shimmer of bells alight within me and I felt several things at once: joy, desire, and a longing that felt like it had always been there, though I had never ever felt anything like it. “Woah!” her eyes grew wide and curious. “Did you feel that?”

All I could do was smile and nod and mutter “Mmm-hmm…”

She laughed and I knew that I could live a full and complete life, sustained by that sound alone. I saw her reach her hand up towards me and it rose from out of the shallow pool, slender and alive and beautiful. It touched my face and sent a feeling like molten fire through me. Well, you can actually replace the fire with pure molten desire and need and yearning. She caressed my face and down my jawline and pulled me into a warm and beautiful feeling that I almost completely lost myself in. My eyes started to blur, but I could see her face slowly rising above the surface of the water to meet mine.

My lips met hers and I thought, at that very moment, that I had died and had somehow made it to paradise, or that I had become paradise, or that her lips were paradise. Hell, they had to be. No kiss, no kiss in the whole of recorded human history, could have ever been as completely amazing as that one kiss at that very moment. I could feel her other hand at my chest, at my heart, burning…almost like…but the thought was interrupted, because the kiss suddenly became more perfect, more amazing. I wondered briefly if this was the way that gods kiss, then I concluded that I didn’t care. No kiss could ever compare to hers. It was like the core of the universe had found its way inside of my chest and then exploded, all of the heat and fire and hope of all of creation seemed to well up and expand inside of me.

Needless to say, I did not want it to stop.

Our lips parted after what seemed like the lifetime of several hundred stars, and we both breathed raggedly, as if the kiss was an act of lovemaking. In a sense, it had been. She stared up at me, the tips of her hair floating in the air as if they were still underwater, and still aflame, burning brightly. She smiled up at me and I smiled back. “Wow!” she said, her voice still sounding so very far away. “that was…very unexpected. Amazing, but unexpected.” I could see her checks were beginning to flush and my own face warmed when she bit her bottom lip.

“Yeah….wow!” was all I was able to say, my heart burning and pounding in my chest.

Her smile suddenly became wickedly delighted. “I really shouldn’t…aw, fuck it!” and she put both arms around my neck, pulled me to her lips, and then pulled me head first into the pond with her.

*                     *                          *                          *                           *                            *                    *                   *                       *

To be continued…

So, once again, it’s been entirely too bloody frelling long since I’ve linked with you all.

This, most definitely, is my fault.

I could easily blame it on having too much to do and not enough energy, or time, or any of the other excuses that people lean on to make themselves feel better.

I’m going to tell you the truth.

I’ve been lazy. I’ve also been kind of scared; mostly of the idea that no one actually reads the randomness sprawled within this blog. And yet, I keep paying for this domain name, so I’m going to try to get better about it. I can’t promise that I’ll be writing an entry every day, or even more than maybe once a week, for that matter. I will, however, try my best to, at least, give you a weekly dosage of my particular brand of nerdy.

So here’s what’s been going on since last we spoke:

1. I left my job working for the IT call center at a large retail corp. There were a considerable number of factors involved in this that I won’t get into, suffice it to say that I’m done with that particular aspect of my life. I’ve moved on to another ITHD job where I am much happier and may be able to move up in the world just a little bit.

2. I have begun seriously writing music again. I have been remiss in this for a little while as other pursuits and general laziness have pretty much stifled my connection to my music and musical self. To this end I have begun working with my dear friend Christopher Blount and a few musical co-collaborators and we have formed a mighty Avengers-esque team known as the Gentlemen of Leisure (do we have a website? I’m pretty sure there should be a website, or someone ; should build one for us) We are all working on our solo projects (Chris just released an Album titled I Win, which is a fantastic body of work) and will be teaming up for some collaborative efforts as well. It’s got me writing and obsessing over music again, which, in the end, is a blessing in and of itself. I’m hoping that this will be just the boost I need to help me finish Singularity.

3. One of the first pieces I wrote was about my return to pen and paper tabletop gaming, primarily Dungeons and Dragons. Since then, I have taken part in a few gaming groups both in-person and online and have found lots of happiness in the games, but also have been really feeling the urge to create something of my own. To that end, I am (for the first time) taking on the role of Dungeon Master and will be running a series of campaigns set in the amazing Dungeons and Dragons world of Eberron. I’m very excited about it and have a ton of plans for the group but I’ll get more into that in a different post that I’ll put up soon. (No, really! I promise!)

4. The Olympics are coming…

Anyone who knows me knows how awesome that is and how excited I get about the Summer and Winter games…so, yeah!

Okay, that’s all I really have to say on this. I guess I’ll get to work on my other post now.

er…Ill see you…soon?

I visited my home town of New Orleans as well as Baton Rouge this weekend. One of my best friends got married to a wonderful woman and was invited and honored to be asked to play a song during the ceremony. All around, the event was beautiful, wonderful, and I had a great time (aside from the depressing realization that so much ha changed since the hurricane that my old neighborhood was completely unrecognizable).

What helped make this past weekend such an amazing one was not just the wedding of one of my best friends (though, honestly, it counted for a hell of a lot. lol), it was the new friends that I made while I was in Baton Rouge. A fantastic group of friends that had all been awesome friends since high school.

We had just come back from the rehearsal dinner, where I had been having an awesome time with Jesse’s (the groom) mother as well as his former roommate. We had all taken the shuttle they had arranged for us all back to the hotel Jesse and most of the guests were staying. We had all collected at the lobby bar and I had begun to nurse a Rum on the rocks. Now, I’m fuzzy on how this happened, exactly, but I became enveloped in conversation with the wedding officiant and his fiancée about video games and Doctor Who. (trust me, if you love video games, comics, and Doctor Who, you will have a friend for life in me – just saying) We completely geeked ourselves silly together.

Yes, it was awesome. Yes, you wish you were there with us, admit it!

Eventually, the couple would leave to go home at which time the gathering at the bar/lounge/thingie had died down enough to where I was actually able to locate Jesse, having been tethered to and fro by friends and relations for the last couple of hours. Grabbing another Rum on the rocks, I wandered over to where he sat with a four other gentlemen, talking about one of my other favorite friend-for-life inducing subjects.

Dungeons & Dragons.

Two things worth noting.

One: Jesse and I met several years ago during a period in my life I refer to as “The Dark Ages” (I’ve made mention of that time in previous posts, if you recall) and developed a bond of brotherhood during that time. We were also big nerds and into the French Quarter Goth scene. (I was one of two Black Goths that I knew of during that time) He played a significant role in pulling my out of that dark place I had found myself in at the time. Hence: Brother!

Two: Fraking Morgan-Damned-Freeman was not only in the Hotel at the time, but he sat next to us (us being myself, Kyle the officiant, and his awesome fiancée Kathleen), cleverly disguised as a bearded older black man in a pair of large glasses and a baseball cap. Honestly, I think we were too busy geeking out to really notice who he was. We heard later on that he was actually geeking out about us geeking out!

I won’t go into too much detail here, but suffice it to say that I could not have had a better time enjoying Jesse’s awesome wedding to his new wife Meronica (who is AWESOME) and hanging out with the new friends that I made this past weekend. So to Kyle, Kathleen, Cindy, Jesse, Meronica, Michael A, Michael M, Rob and his fiancée, and Christian: thank you for a fantastic time and an amazing weekend.

To Jesse and Meronica: I love you both and wish nothing but awesomeness for you and your marriage. Thank you for involving me in your special moment, and for being my friends. I wouldn’t have missed this, even if the zombie, robot, demon, alien, genetically created monster apocalypse had kicked itself off.

You are all made of starlight!



Behold! The Alleged "Black Card"!

So sometimes I forget that there are people out there that see things like skin color first. When I come across people like that, it often throws me off, way off. It throws me off to the point that I am completely, well, baffled and a little miffed, to be honest.

See, I grew up with the idea that we were all a part of the same species, the same race, and the same human family. This was an idea that I had mostly come into on my own but was supported, in part, by the friends I acquired over time and the often confusing lessons from my parents. All in all, I like to think that I grew into a well adjusted and very open minded man.

Some time ago I joined an online discussion group about gender roles in society, what it wound up being was a group about gender roles in Black American culture through the eyes of Black Americans. A question was posed a while back about the idea of a “Black Card” and about what kinds of things they are into that would get said card “revoked”. When I saw people list the things in their lives that they liked, I noticed that a great deal of those things were things that I happened to be into as well; so, being emboldened by what I saw, I decided to play along and post my own interests and quirks.

What happened next is the basis of this post: I was (and this was later, and only after I made a pretty fierce comment in my own defense of my interests, redefined as simply a joking comment) told that my own black card had been revoked or that I had never been given one to begin with.

Maybe a little more context is required here, so I’ll give you a bit of what I posted

– I love Soccer and Hockey and NOT American football

– I have been told that I have a bit of a British Accent at times (likely because I speak the Queen’s English)

– (as you all well know) I’m a huge Geek.


– I may have posted about my dislike for current R&B music

– I KNOW I posted that my entire Music library was one of the most Varied and Eclectic collections that that group would likely ever see. (Thanx Dad)

I’m sure that There was more there, but I can’t remember what else I said and that post is buried somewhere beneath a flood of other postings – the POINT here is that the response that I received created this strange feeling of invalidity. As if now my blackness was being called into question because I did not happen to share some supposedly important cultural interests. Needless to say, I defended myself.

If I ever had a supposed black card, I handed it over and replied that the group was more than welcome to it. My status as a human being or as a black man would not and will never be dictated by the things in my life that interest and are important to me. I pigeon-hole myself enough as it is, I don’t need other people to do that for me.

I think I very nearly started a forum fire, at which point many people asked me to calm down and stated that the whole thing (meaning the response to my post) was all in “good natured fun”. I wasn’t actually trying to start a fight with anyone, I simply felt that my identity as a black man should not be defined by the things I like or do. My ethnicity exists whether I want it to or not, and, frankly, I’m very happy being black.

I just don’t like it when people try to tell me HOW to be black. Just because 99% of my interests can be found on the website doesn’t mean I’m trying to be White. I’m honestly not trying to be anything except myself. Why is that such a strange concept to a lot of my culture? Why aren’t more of us more open minded?

In any case, it begs the question: What the hell is this Black Card? Why is it so important? Who came up with this idea in the first place? And what gives people the right to distribute and take it away at will? Are there white cards, or Asian cards? What about Cherokee or Sioux cards?

What do you all think? Sound off and give me your thoughts: Should having a Ethnic Identity truly matter in this particular age, or is it time to start identifying ourselves as simply…human?

Well…get on with it then!

Firstly, I must apologize to you: my reader(s) – for my lack of presence as of late.

Between the illness befallen upon the House of Duncan, the whole Rapture hullabaloo (that sure was awkward for a lot of folks, wasn’t it?), and the fact that I’d been feeling like I’ve had FRAK ALL to really write about (which is my own fault, really), I have not been the friend to you all that I meant to be.

So, here I go again, hoping to make amends and sally on forward with more geeky, personal, artistic bits of awesome for you all to sink your teeth into.

and here’s a promise to you: I promise to try really really hard to never let so much time go by without word from me again.

Now that we’re done with all of that, lets get on with some actual discussion, shall we?

I’ve talked before about my growing up nerdy. My desire for more knowledge and my love of it compounded with my inherent social differences (my sensitive soul, my very artistic nature, and my love of that which was, at the time, not very popular at all with most of the people I grew up around) made me a bit of a weirdo to my peers and to, at times, my family. I didn’t think there was anything wrong with who I was – I still don’t , and that’s kind of the point of who and what I am today.

I'm the funny looking kid on the left. A Weirdo even then! 🙂

I won’t lie and say that I never wanted to “just be like everyone else”. I wanted to be the kid that was good at sports people gave a damn about like football and basketball. I wanted to be the guy that the girls fawned over, the one that always knew what to say at the right moment.

Then I discovered that not only was I incredibly smart, but I was also talented – visually, theatrically, and musically. Surely, this would get me liked, right? I thought I’d become that kid that said all of the cool lines and was so good at it, or the kid that sang that one song that made all of the girls melt, or the guy that drew so well that all of the girls would want me to draw them.

What the hell was I thinking?

I should have paid better attention to “The Wonder Years” and “Family Matters” during that time. Yeah, it got me noticed more, but it also got me shunned, made fun of, and laughed at by the people I seriously wanted to be accepted by. There was a girl that I liked so much back then, a girl that I thought I would impress enough that she’d like me.

Sadly, she was one of the people I mentioned earlier. She laughed at me the hardest – at least, back then, it felt like she did.

Why am I telling you all of this?

Why do I feel the sudden need to recount my past to you?

Well, recently I discovered some old photos of myself and some of those people, including the girl I mentioned (who shall remain nameless). A lot of that old anger, resentment, and rage that I thought I had dealt with came bubbling back to the surface. It wasn’t something I expected, especially since the pics were all of some seriously happy memories of mine from that time. Possibly the happiest I can remember from those days.

It got me thinking about something. When I discovered my particular talents, I threw myself into them. I wanted to get better, to be fantastic. I wanted to someday be discovered and get a multi-million dollar recording contract with some big label and become a rock star. Then those kids would see. Then she would see – see what she missed out on, what she could have been a part of. (for the record, I was all of 13 having these thoughts)

I started this journey for all of the wrong reasons, but I couldn’t know that then. I was just a 13 year old who had been picked on and made fun of and laughed at enough that, when I found out about my talents and found people to help nurture them, I began to have elaborate fantasies.

Bear with me, you may have had similar fantasies.

I dreamed of returning for a reunion (this later transitioned to high school), busting down the double doors with a beautiful actress or supermodel on my arm. An entourage of friends and fellow musicians are close by and, behind us all, a crew of reporters and photographers clamoring to get an interview or a photo or a statement of some kind. My old classmates would be there, with their normal jobs and normal lives, and I’d be there in my custom designer outfit, multiple Grammy Awards, and incredibly hot wife.

I imagined them mad with envy, regretful of the way they had treated me, wanting to be my friend and wishing that they’d been nicer to me when we were kids.

In my dream I was wonderful: I was gracious, compassionate, I was the epitome of Cool. I even played a set for the reunion dance with my band and the girls swooned and the guys that weren’t jealous of me wanted to be me. ME!

Then I’d wave graciously and whisk myself out of the auditorium/gym/whatever where more fans and press would be waiting for me, and I’d zoom off to perform in some exotic locale and leave everyone speechless and awestruck.

This was a dream born of loneliness, exclusion, and hurt. It fueled my desire to become a performing artist for the longest time. It was nothing more than a desire to be accepted, loved, and wanted on a scale that I thought would quench the need/desire to belong. It was, in my opinion, the wrong way to begin this.

Years later, at 30 years old, I am still a performer, though I still have a ways to go to reach the goals I have for myself. The difference is that I don’t share the same goals as 13 year old me. I’m not seeking out fame, fortune, or vindication, not actively, and while commercial success would certainly be nice, I’m not looking for that either. I’d like nothing more than to be heard and liked, to possibly become someone’s favorite musician somewhere. Release a few albums, write some urban fantasy/science fiction novels, maybe even compose a few longer pieces – maybe a film score or two, perhaps. Who knows?

But looking at those old pictures, recounting those times and the emotions and choices made as a result gives me pause. I am the man I’ve become because of them, my journey began in those moments and continue now. I have to admit that understanding my reasoning and my feelings from that time have helped me understand myself a bit more, though there is a part of me that wishes that I didn’t have those memories to begin with, that my journey didn’t begin in bitterness and lonely tears shed in secret, vowing that I would someday show those kids what I was worth. I wish that my primary drive in life had been simply to make fantastic music for music’s sake then and to not be so damned concerned with proving myself to other people. I gave them too much credence in my young life and allowed myself to worry about being cool in their eyes.

Well, I understand now. I’m reclaiming myself, rediscovering my drive, reigniting my bliss, and reenforcing my passion for my music and for my writing, and I do so with the intent of making art that I care about, that pleases me, that is my vision of perfection and no one else’s.

And I understand that I have done better than I could have imagined, and that my most important dreams have already come true. Knowing that, I understand that every other goal I have is within reach and no longer tainted by the grievances of my past. I just have to buckle down and bloody damned DO IT!

okay, that’s enough of me and my Rambling and carrying on for one post. The 13 year old me of 1994 thanks you for putting up with this strange trip down memory lane and for helping current me let go of a lot of that residual crap! Stars and stones, I feel so much better! Like the burden of that period of my life had weighed upon me for all of that time

And to those kids that gave me hell all those years ago who are now adults, I hope that all of you are well. I hope that you too (as a cousin of mine put it) have drank from the cup of “Got better with age”. I hope that you are happy. Most of all, I hope that you have or will soon find your bliss.

I love you all and I’ll be back in a couple of days with something new!

~Your Geek

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